Huggies and Nappies

I am not the voice in my head, I am the one who hears it, right?

Making me the silent listener/observer who tries to grapple with my own burdensome chatter while the world’s chatter filters through too. Greaat.

Who is who in here?

Who is the one who hears transcendental topics and interprets them? My intellect? I guess my intellect must filter it for my soul. Perhaps my ego feels the prick in her heart when willpower-swallowing music plays and, again, filters it for my soul? There is such a fine and somewhat indistinguishable line between what I feel as my mind, my ego and my real self when it comes to things I am passionate about though.

I guess I am yet to conclude whether my passions are part of my superficial identity or my truest self. I can look at it either way depending on how free from a personality I want to be.

Some days, I want to be off the charts. I want to melt into the sun and burn for thousands of years or be as powdery and sievable as plain flour.  Perhaps, I can occupy a single atom of some gaseous element and that way live such a miniscule, yet profound, life on-the-go. That would be way more authentic to my journey as the silent observer/listener; I would never have to face contradictions regarding my soul’s nature. How lovely. The nomadic life of an atom. I do realise that my current life on earth is also in many ways, composed of atoms, miniscule, profound and on-the-go. Everything that I asked for, huh? I am grateful. Yet it just isn’t the same. Does that make me ungrateful?

Many times, I want to immerse my self (self or personality?) in loving my sweet lord. I see myself doing this by maintaining and polishing the gifts and talents that I have been blessed with to use in service. Connecting to God through these personal channels is such a win-win situation.

Sometimes, I think our lives are too short. Other days, I think our lives are too long.
How much longer do I need to be stuck in this body/identity for? With tomorrow’s curveballs, life lessons and expectation vs. reality episodes looming? Like seriously, more memories being created while I’m still scrubbing away at the past? More to forgive and more to let go. I swear if I hear the words ‘let go’ again…

*By the way, I need a nap*

I know I’m way too conscientious which just adds on the stress. Yet, this is the way I can guarantee less stress overall. Does that make sense?

I’m just the cheesy crust to life’s pizza sometimes. Just pull me apart, why don’t you? That line appears in the script of pretty much everyone’s story I guess. Actually, scratch the previous cheesy line; I am more like slime. Rip me apart and then miraculously (from my conditioning) I will squidge back into this sticky situation. Life can’t eat me. Yes, I can be very particular on this blog. I wouldn’t call it a passion as much as a necessity. I’m so done with correcting misinterpretations and what not. I’m so done with repetition.

Just take me away from this mess that I feel so foreign in. I don’t even feel close to 21 during these moments.

Ah. Have you noticed: the lives of people on television are so …orderly…
TV -I am talking about anything disney and the like- is probably always just going to be a handful of humans’ wishful-thinking brought to life on-screen…. and not my exciting future. Ah, did I say wishful-thinking?

How do I reconcile everything?

I need to practice more meditation now. More learning. Sigh. Life is such a test. When and why did I sign up for this.

-Tis some schoolin 4 ma soul, homeboy-

It’s like you get to level 10 of this cool game and you need to unlock more goodies to reach the next level but you are tired of the senseless challenges. So you keep messing around on the level you are on… I guess we all reach a level that we have that love-hate relationship with. Actually, this describes every level so far. How do you win? Oh that’s right: the hard way.

Soz, I think of everything under the sun and thus keep prompting my inner voice to do some analysis of what it’s saying. I then lead life a little more wisely.

I am not vouching for thinking as a consistently good driver/guide to life. It often robs me of what’s precious. It’s not all bad news though, since it delivers as well.

Let’s get takeout.

I need a nap AND I am hungry.

xo

Laxmy