HUMPERDINCK RETURNS

It had been ten years. A decade since Humperdinck had been banished to the land of MooMoo. MooMoo was the place where characters that did not follow the Fairy tale Code of Conduct were sent for rehabilitation and happily-ever-after counselling. Humperdinck was diagnosed with inappropriate interests syndrome, centred on conflict and war fascination. Ever since his diagnosis, Humperdinck had weekly lessons in fairy-tale romance and so forth. The first few months were extremely hard for Humperdinck as he was surrounded by fairy-tale felonies who had no respect for him and mocked his name. A few convicted fairytale criminals in his campus included Captain Hook, Ursula, Scar, Gaston and Jafar. Everyone stayed away from Jafar due to his hypnotic powers. The man could be seen brooding in his cell with a parrot seated on his shoulder. Most assumed he was probably devising another plan to conquer Arabia. Jafar often murmured the name ‘Aladdin’ in a disgusted tone, but no one would dare ask what he was referring to. Humperdinck however, was more interested than afraid, in Jafar’s works. He had heard of Jafar’s evil skills. The art of hypnotising intrigued and excited Humperdinck in a way that nothing else could.

Lord Farquaad was Humperdinck’s cell-mate and only companion. Humperdinck utterly despised every moment with that arrogant little man. However, their stories were exquisitely similar. The two did everything they could to become Kings of their land, yet both of them failed, miserably. Lord Farquaad spoke of his great kingdom and how some ogre named Shrek came along one day to ruin all his plans and steal his bride Fiona. Humperdinck soon understood why any female would have chosen an ogre over this man. Farquaad’s stories reminded Humperdinck of his bitter encounter with Westley, and how Florin had come to know of his evil plans. Not long after, Humperdinck was exiled to MooMoo where he was being guided in the path of perfect love- something he found torturous.

It was true, Humperdinck had no heart, and he waited for the day to break free from prison. One day, he would return to Florin and claim back his kingdom. He could not stand how peaceful it was there now. Humperdinck received news about Florin, once in a blue moon when Dread Pirate Roberts -Inigo, visited to give the ex-prince infuriating updates of peace, harmony and love. Humperdinck could not stand it any longer. It was the ex-prince’s mission to beat goodness once and for all, and the only way to get out was to complete his course in fairytale love, whilst behaving like a gentleman.

Soon after Humperdinck’s transformation into a prince charming prospect, the authorities at Fairy Tale Laws and Regulations cautiously considered his early release. They believed in hope, and since there was little hope for Humperdinck to marry and rule Florin again- (he now had wrinkles and had started greying.) The authorities decided to shorten Humperdinck’s term and set him free to set things right. Little did they know, Humperdinck was preparing to gather an army to invade Florin, de-crown whoever the current ruler was, and spark heat between Guilder and Florin like the good old days. The night he was set free, Humperdinck approached a street seller, “Excuse me Mr Tacky-clothes, will you direct me to the Kingdom of Florin?” “Ahem, Mop-head” the seller replied. “You don’t look so good yourself! Brush up your general knowledge while you are at the barber. The kingdom is no more.’’ Humperdinck’s jaw dropped. It was true; there was no longer a kingdom, no longer aristocracy, nor royalty. Florin had become a democratic nation!

It was sickening. What had Florin become without Humperdinck? For a moment Humperdinck contemplated going back to MooMoo where he at least had some civilised company of his own kind. He thought long and hard yet there seemed to be no other option than to not look back. Everything seemed bleak, and Humperdinck wished Count Rugen was still there to advise him.

Suddenly, a thought popped in Humperdinck’s mind. One he immediately dismissed to the back of his tiny brain; yet it just kept looping around and coming back. “Elections” he whispered, gazing into the vastness of land that stretched as far as the eye could see. Humperdinck had a fair way to go, yet he believed standing for the elections that year was the only way to get Florin back under his control. Besides, hours of fairytale English and Speech classes gave Humperdinck that extra-smooth loveliness in his verbal communication, great for persuasive campaigning!

Humperdinck travelled to Florin rather scared for his own life. The Florinese were an unforgiving old lot. They never forgot the ones who deceived them, and he had firsthand experience of the community punishments and public shame that favoured anyone who hurt the land and its people. However, Humperdinck fooled the Florinese once before, he could fool them again; especially now, with the new tricks up his sleeve.

As Humperdinck reached Florin, the walls and fences were hidden behind posters and campaigning advertisements of a somewhat familiar face. A cheesy Miracle Max with white wispy hair covered the streets. He was everywhere! Even Mc Florinalds advertised Max holding an MLT- mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich. Humperdinck realised he had competition and scrambled away to a barbershop as fast as he could. His plans were beginning to unravel…

Two months had passed, and the name ‘Humperdinck’ no longer fuelled hatred in the Florinese. Humperdinck cleverly established his worthiness of humane treatment slowly by slowly, capturing the naive minds of Florin’s inhabitants with his death stares and looks. A proud grin spread across Humperdinck’s thin lips as he realised the elections were looming closer and he had immorally, perhaps, gained the majority. A sinister man had grown in him these past couple of months, a magnitude of wickedness that could only be of Count Rugen’s, showed life in Humperdinck’s soul. Humperdinck had mastered the skills Jafar had taught him, and he planned to hire Jafar as Count Rugen’s replacement once the man finished his term.

The day finally arrived. The big oak trees towered over the land, making splotches of sun dance on the pavement. The air was fresh and crisp, and Humperdinck was more confident than ever. The crowds gathered around the castle gardens cheering, and with one glimpse of Humperdinck, they became as silent as zombies. Proudly, he waddled towards the pedestal, his contender nowhere to be seen, and cleared his throat loudly for his victory speech. Suddenly the silence broke before Humperdinck’s mouth opened. “Pig,” a calm voice mumbled. “Who was that!?” Humperdinck boomed at the audience that silently watched him. “Well, look who it is! I thought you would be back in MooMoo where you belong. What are you doing here?” A voice sounded from the spectators. “I believe I am about to give my victory speech, so if you would shut it- whoever you are, that would be highly appreciated.” “Step down. Who voted for you? You are a cheater!” A voice chimed. “No I am not!” “Yes you are, you have fooled no one. Nobody made you win! You deplorable, despicable being. What did MooMoo do to you?” Humperdinck cringed. All eyes were on him, and from the stage, he could not see the man who spoke. “Step down, you shameless baboon”, ordered a voice. Humperdinck stood there, perplexed. It could not be. He had skilfully trained with Jafar and built up his hypnotising power. There was no way in the world that Humperdinck could not have won against Max! “Why are you just standing there meatloaf? Get off the stage! Boo!” Someone cried. Humperdinck kneeled down like a dog. He was confused. How did they know? “How did you find out?” Humperdinck asked, his eyes searching for the source of the voice in the zombie crowd. “Well, do you want me to rat you out?” replied the unknown voice. “No, no. Please. I just want to know how you found out that I tried to hypnotise you brainless creatures to win the elections. And why you did not tell me earlier that you knew it was not working- would have saved me the embarrassment”. Gasps were let out and shrieks as a woman fainted into her mother’s arms. The crowd suddenly got restless, everyone was stomping their feet. The air felt heavy. “Ha!” Replied the voice. A man climbed onto the stage next to Humperdinck and looked him right in the eye. “Westley” Humperdinck scorned. “You are a doofus are you not?” Westley’s voice rang through the courtyard. “I did not say a word. You let it all out. Now go on, say more. Your ridiculousness cannot be matched.” Humperdinck realised his victory speech had turned into an unanticipated confession! “Oh Jafar! If only you were here! We should have rehearsed the zombie-eye-roll and speech at least one last time!” Humperdinck cried. Westley carried the sobbing Humperdinck in his arms toward a cardboard box where he was dropped in and sealed. A few air holes were stabbed in to prolong the fool’s life.

If only Humperdinck had not been so hasty as to skip reading his schedule. It was Election Day, and he was supposed to capture his audience with his final speech, not the assumed victory speech. He did everything to plan and hypnotised the crowd right on time so as to make sure they listened to his enchanting words. Miracle Max was in the crowd- he had not been hypnotised due to his magic powers that saved him. Max told Westley of the strange hypnotic happenings in Florin a while ago. Max was too weak to expose Humperdinck’s plans, he did not know what to do. Only Westley could outwit Humperdinck while he was on stage, and he did it with class; completely shaking the essence of Humperdinck’s evilness. Everyone snapped out of the hypno-state after a while, and Miracle Max became President of Florin- considering his contender was a hypnotising freak. “Sweet revenge” Max muttered, as a cardboard box sailed away to Hunting Jungle.

Buttercup who now came out from the crowd thought that was the perfect place for Humperdinck too. After all, hunting was what he and the animals that lived there did best. “Humperdinck’s an animal.” Buttercup giggled, as Inigo waved goodbye from his ship with a swaying box. She hugged Westley and smiled at the world, Florin, and what was to come.

……………………………………………..

As for Humperdinck, he lived in hiding from the wild beasts that inhabited Hunting Jungle, and one day fell into an ogre’s swamp whilst running away from an ape. No one heard from him ever again..

 

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Published in: on October 9, 2013 at 10:41 AM  Leave a Comment  

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